Monday bloody Monday: Our Labor leadership form guide

It’s the Battle Royale the press gallery has been waiting for: “Juliar” vs “K-Rudd”. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (without the Good).

Gillard has a strong front line of some of the most prominent lights in the Labor Party. Kevin has a parade of freaks and malcontents, oh, and the Australian people.

RUDD, Kevin Michael
Born: 21 September 1957
Draft date: 3 October 1998
Knock outs: Beazley, Howard, Nelson, Turnbull, self
Nickname: Lazarus with an actual bypass
Nickname if you know him: F—-face

Strength: Strangers want to shake his hand
Weakness: Friends want to punch him in the face
Political achievements: 2007 Election victory, The Apology, Grocery Watch
Greatest contribution to humanity: Invented the phrase “programmatic specificity”
Biggest advantage: His enemies need to sleep
Allies: Jessica Rudd, Marcus Rudd, Nicholas Rudd, Jasper, Abby, Therese Rudd, Martin Ferguson, the chubby bearded guy, that Scottish leftie guy, Bob Katter.
Hero: was Dietrich Bonhoeffor now Mao Tse Tung
Favourite Film: Passion of the Christ

GILLARD, Julia Eileen
Born: 29 September 1961
Draft date: 3 October 1998
Knock outs: Rudd (TKO)
Nickname: Julia Gillard
Nickname if you know her: Julia
Strength: Running the country
Weakness: Press conferences
Political achievements: NBN, MySchool, Climate Change Tax, Mining Tax, defeating both Tony Abbott and Kevin Rudd in 2010 election
Trademark move: Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition…
Allies: the Labor Caucus, the public service, the Press Gallery, flight attendants, all living acquaintances of Kevin Rudd
Prominent Supporters (Gang): Wayne “Knuckles” Swan, Craig “Valium” Emerson, Bill “Beaconsfield” Shorten
Hero: Brutus
Favourite Film: Kill Bill Volume 2
Why she’ll win: Clinically sane
Why she’ll lose: Charisma of a manatee

Dark Horse Candidate
Black Caviar

Predicted Winner
Tony Abbott

About Toby Halligan

Toby is a stand up comedian, improviser and writer. He started writing comedy at school for the Radford College Annual Fashion Revue and his career has never enjoyed quite the same heights since. He moved to Melbourne from Canberra in 2009 to pursue stand up comedy and has never looked back, lest he be turned into a pillar of salt. His day job is writing and occasionally producing for Channel 10's The Project, and he's written for SBS's Legally Brown, Mamamia, the Punch, the Monthly, the Age, mX and the Sydney Morning Herald. He co-writes Diary Leaks with Mathew Kenneally and runs a monthly political comedy room called Political Asylum with Gerard McCulloch and Simon Barber.
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